On Friday, after a long week, I asked Brad if I could take the evening off, meaning skipping dinner and bedtime (crazy, busy time) to go to a coffee shop and read. Brad, who is always willing to give me all the time that I need, agreed to it immediately. I put a book in my bag, put my boots, coat and scarf on (yes, it is late April and still winter here) and snuck out. As I was walking through our neighborhood, I passed by several antique stores and stopped to look at some of the beautiful things.
Usually such time alone is so enjoyable and refreshing for me and I have no desire to rush back home. This time it was different. While walking through the streets that I have been getting so attached to, I started to feel really lost, sad, confused and lonely.
What was I doing here on a Friday evening?
It had been a difficult week. The news, the lingering uncertainty, the Winter weather in Spring all contributed to it. I was also sad by the fact that our life still seems to be complicated, that we still have not been able to book a flight to Germany for this summer, and that uncertainty seems to have become a consistent part of our life now. It is so tiring.
I have been feeling a strong desire to take a break from a lot of things, most of all the internet world like Facebook, my blog, etc. I have been struggling with it all for a while. When you share things online, it makes you vulnerable and that makes it sometimes hard to keep going. Also, there is a constant information overload and I find it hard to process it all. It contributes to a sense of anxiety.
I also think that a time away from it will help me to refocus and find more time for the things that really matter. My reason to be active online has been my photography, but to be honest I am not sure if it has been that helpful. Sometimes I have been more busy to keep things up online than actually creating photographs. I don't think I am very good at all this online stuff. I find it hard to keep up with it all and also hard to keep sharing things when there is little feedback.
I want to get back to reading more, writing letters and focus on getting my art out there in a different way, at least for a little while.
I also want to focus on my family, on community and regular solitude.
Last Friday, after realizing that wandering around the streets was not really giving me what I wished it did, I turned around and quickly walked back home. My boys were so happy to see me and gave me a hug as if I had been gone for hours. I was happy as well. It just felt right.
I think sometimes it is necessary to get back to the basics, to take a break from all distractions and reflect, be silent, focus on what's most important.
I am not sure how long this break will be. Maybe just a short time, maybe just a couple weeks, maybe a few months. I have a feeling that I will want to get back to it once our life has more clarity and warmer days are here to stay. In the meantime, I will write things down using a pen and also will still try to keep my website updated.
People who have my email address and phone number know how to contact me.
Well, that's it for now. I now have to get back to preparing the birthday party for my six year old big boy. But first I will sit down with my husband and enjoy some morning coffee/tea... and a smoothie.
